It’s not shared hobbies or amazing sex that make a relationship great—although those don’t hurt.
It’s how you and your partner fight, says Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., founder of relationship resource site AskALoveGuru.com.
“Conflict is normal,” Walsh says. If you can resolve spats before they turn into blowups, the friction can bring the two of you closer together rather than tear you apart.
Plus, sparring could save your life: A recent University of Michigan study finds that spouses who suppress their anger die earlier than those who argue regularly.
Here’s your plan to defuse any fight and get straight to the fun part: makeup sex.
1. Time your fight strategically.
Anger triggers a physiological response in your body, making your heart race, Walsh says. When that happens, even the nicest guy will have trouble communicating calmly and rationally.
If you feel your chest pounding, pause the fight and take a 30-minute walk. “Tell [your partner] you want to be able to talk it out constructively, but you just can’t right now,” says Walsh. Walking will calm you down by giving your stress hormones a physical outlet, she says.
2. Figure out the real issue.
Now that you’ve cooled off, “get to the problem that’s underneath the problem,” Walsh says. If she’s peeved that you ditched her for guys’ night, she may really feel abandoned. Or if she’s ticked off at you for checking email during dinner, she likely feels ignored.
So gently ask her why she’s upset. Or if you’re the one who’s livid, spend your walk thinking logically about how you feel. If she charged too much on your joint credit card or is running late again, maybe you really feel disrespected.
3. Say these magic words.
Now that you know what’s really bothering her, validate her feelings to instantly end the argument, Walsh suggests. Say: “It totally makes sense that you feel that way.” Throw in an apology for good measure.
The beauty of this trick is that it works even if you still disagree. You may feel like you deserve a night out with your friends, and maybe she’s bummed about being left out. Both are valid concerns, and no one is wrong. But feeling understood is usually all she really needs. “She feels heard, and that’s the end of it,” Walsh says.
4. Kiss and make up.
Knocking boots after butting heads really helps smooth things over, says Paul Hokemeyer, Ph.D., a Manhattan-based marriage therapist.
“The endorphins, dopamine, and oxytocin that are released during sex counter balance the adrenaline rush we get from fighting,” Hokemeyer says. “After your tussle, just go for it. Reach out, grab her, and pull her into bed.”
If you still have lingering issues to work out after an especially difficult dispute, the perfect time to do it is right after sex. According to a recent study in Communication Monographs, orgasm may facilitate intimate conversation, because oxytocin—a hormone related to trust and low stress—rises
Mens Health
