Even if they aren’t lying in your bed, some people still have a way of leaving you—and your partner—unfulfilled in the sack. “Forget your penis: The largest sex organ you have is your brain,” says Paul Hokemeyer, Ph.D., a Manhattan-based marriage therapist. And, whether or not you’d like to admit it, these four folks are screwing with yours:
“Nothing kills an erection faster than feeling inadequate. Stressful work environments do just that,” Hokemeyer says. If your boss is constantly beating you down or keeping you at work until late at night, the stress can spur headaches and fatigue, throw off your all-important hormone levels, and up your blood pressure—which contributes to erectile dysfunction. In fact, research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine shows that the more stressful your job is, the more likely you are to suffer from low libido, weak erections, and premature ejaculation.
Kick him out of bed: If you aren’t in the position to switch jobs right now, focus on getting 7 hours of sleep a night, eating plenty of antioxidants, and exercising regularly to get back on your game, Hokemeyer says.
2. James Deen
Your sex life isn’t a porn flick, and you’re not a porn star, like Deen. But if you get hung up thinking that’s how you’re supposed to perform, both you and your partner will be left disappointed, says Laurie Gerber, president of Handel Group Life Coaching. You’ll feel inadequate when stacked up against the guys you see on XTube, and she’ll be ticked because she wants the sex to be special.
Kick him out of bed: Stop the comparisons, stat. “Porn stars are sexual objects, akin to a vibrator,” Hokemeyer says. You, however, are the real deal to her. If you can’t help but pit your sex moves against on-screen talent, cut back on your porn habit, he says.
3. Her Ex
“Unless you want to do a three-way, leave him out of your sex life,” Hokemeyer says. “Spending your emotional energy thinking about what he had to offer is a waste of your time and sexual capital.”
Kick him out of bed: There’s a reason she broke up with him and went to you. Figure out why, and learn from his mistakes. And remember: You’re the one having sex with his ex. Feel sorry for him for losing out.
4. Your Personal Trainer
Trainers specialize in making you feel like a stud. If your coach also happens to be cute, it’s easy to keep thinking about her when you should be focusing on the woman lying next to you. Enter: guilt. Plus, schedule too many one-on-one gym sessions and you might be too sore to actually please your real-life partner, Hokemeyer says.
Kick her out of bed: Enlist someone else’s services. If it’s a hot gym buddy you want, go to the gym with your own girl. She’ll love to see you sweat, and you’ll appreciate the novelty, too. After all, there’s not much sexier than a woman doing squats.